Hello, you do not know me and I do not know you. I will refer to myself as Solemn for anonymity purposes. I am seventeen-years-old as I am writing this, born in October of 2008.
So, what is this site?
I'm going to use this as a journal of sorts. I don't expect anybody to really sit down and read this.
I'm not exactly a stable person, I am far from it. It sucks having to deal with it alone. So you, viewer whom I do not know, must succumb to my mentally unstable rambles.
February 20th, 2026
I think that suicide is selfish, but only if you have friends and family that care about you.
If you don't have anybody, what is the point of living? Constantly being by yourself, no interaction other than transactional.
The people who are talentless, no friends, no family, no job, no personality. Why are you living? Do you like to be miserable?
Then is when I think that suicide is not... entirely selfish. You're using all the basic necessities on your meaningless life when it could've gone to someone with a meaningful life.
If you want to try in life, to live a meaningful life, then you need to make an effort. You need to find what makes you passionate.
If you don't, you're just a waste of space.
Then again, I think what I described as a "meaningless" life is more way more important than a pedophile or a rapist's life.
Because no matter what, that pedophile or rapist is going to have at least somebody who excuses their actions, or somebody who loves them despite them hurting people. Those people should be hurt with the loss for excusing such horrible actions, maybe then will they realise how shitty of a person they are and make some sort of change.
What I'm trying to say with the entire "meaningless" life thing, is why live if you're miserable and make no effort to change that? Why live if you just wake up everyday? You have no friends, family, no talents, no career, nothing.
Why suffer everyday when you could have the sweet relief of death? No suffering or pain, no having to worry about living a meaningful life, no having to worry about anybody caring about you.
If you have people who care about you, it's different. You'd have people who would help you in a heartbeat if they knew you were hurting, but you believe opposite. You believe that nobody cares about you when they do. Your brain forces you to think this way because of mental illness.
You believe the most horrible scenarios possible because that's all your brain knows how to do. You don't choose to be ignorant, you're forced to be ignorant. Because deep down, do you really want to be this way?
TLDR: Don't be selfish.
March 11th, 2026
Wow, it's been a while, hasn't it?
Nothing notable happened, I was just burnt out from everything. Nothing interesting happens in my life for it to be notable other than my incoherent ramblings and thoughts, which I have a lot of.
I do have something, or a few things to ramble about today.
I don't know the psychology behind this, but ever since I could remember, I have been fascinated by death or pain. Now, this isn't just a sexual preference or anything, since I consider myself almost entirely asexual, but that's probably because I haven't ever had gratification towards anything that isn't pain related.
For a while, I had a self-harm addiction. I don't really consider myself to have one anymore, since I haven't really reached for anything to do it with. It's not even like I wanted to die or anything, I just really liked the pain. I also liked the control, I liked the scars and the blood. I did it because it genuinely made me happy. It made me feel whole. It was so satisfying and it hurt in the best way possible. I could've been having the best day of my life and all I would be able to think about is harming myself in some way.
I think harming somebody, if you aren't murdering them—is rather romantic. If it's consensual, of course. You allow yourself to be vulnerable at the hands of your partner, leaving little traces of the day you loved each other. I think blood is very beautiful. It's the thing that keeps you alive. For your partner to watch the life inside of you seep out by their own hand, is rather charming to me. It's kind of like a love ritual of sorts.
Now, I'm not the most romantic person, but this is what appeals to me. I'm not the type to like PDA or be overly romantic with a potential partner really at all. Maybe because I'm just kind of messed up, but I could really care less. I'm more of the acts of service type of person rather than the affectionate type.
Oh, and about my fascination of death...
I absolutely love watching things about murders. The psychology behind it, the methods used. Death as a whole fascinates me. Call me an edgelord. Trust me, if I wasn't a 7th grade dropout I would probably do something in the criminal justice field.
What could possibly go through your head to take someone else's life? The only probable reason I can think of is mental illness.
Would I take someone's life? No. Absolutely not. I would only take people's life it that means I could take mine afterwards. Why not make your death meaningful? Make yourself known. Your name and legacy wont ever be forgotten. Why would you take your own life just to be forgotten once your loved ones die? Your life would've been absolutely meaningless then, nobody knows who you are anymore. You're literally just rotting in the ground, if not already.
Murderers who murder and then don't take their lives are retarded. Why do that to rot in jail for the rest of your life, when you could be free? Do you want to be abused and raped in jail? Why take someone's life and not take yours, just for yours to be taken anyways? People just aren't logical. You're going to be caught, dipshit. Just take your life.
Whew, do I feel edgy. But this is genuinely how I feel. I'm not trying to be preformative since there really is nobody to be preforming for, this is mostly just for myself, like I said. Surely there's someone out there who feels the same, I guess.
April 26th, 2026
I personally find comfort in the fact I will most likely not live past the age of 21. My everyday life is just an exact copy of my last, every day is the same with no stop. I get up out of bed, get on my computer, eat, then sleep.
All of my days blur together and none of it makes sense anymore. I cannot make out anything, I can't make out what happened 2 weeks ago, 1, or even 2 days ago. Because it is all the same.
My life is sad. I really do have nothing to live for other than just game releases I'm looking forward to. I wish I had real connections that I don't fuck up because I am just really fucking weird. Every day is a swing of emotions that I cannot handle, numbness, and just overall pain no matter what I do. I am constantly fatigued and I do not know what to do about it.
I'm seriously pathetic and it seems like all I get anymore is judgmental stares. I don't care, really, but I hate it when people look at me.
I have tried getting a job, I have tried trying new things, I have tried going outside, I have tried going on walks, I have tried everything. But when I still feel numb it's because I "need to try harder", or "I haven't tried (this) and (that)".
I am so incredibly done with everything. If I could, I would absolutely end it all here, but I cannot. I don't want to go to my neglectful psychiatric unit again.